The Calendar Paradox

 Here's a secret that those of us living with grief share: some dates on the calendar loom much too large.  We both live for these key moments of memory and dread them.  I am always keenly aware of upcoming dates that were significant to Daniel and me.

I plan months in advance how I will deal with them.  If I am invited somewhere within the nearby timeframe I am always questioning myself.  Will I be ok by then? What might happen to trigger tears? How can I just act normal when my world is so upside down?

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary.  I believe this one is the crystal anniversary.  But instead of drinking champagne out of crystal glasses with the love of my life, I planned on hiding from the world under blankets in bed.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with hiding.  Sometimes we just need to escape and be alone with our thoughts and the bittersweet memories.  Sweet, for sure, because in these memories we can see our loved ones again and be with them.  But bitter too, as they are finite.  We can never make even one more memory together.

Yes, I had planned on hiding alone at home, listening to old favorite songs and watching Princess Bride, one of "our" movies.  However, this day had other plans for me.  Instead I found myself in the car making the two hour drive to one of our favorite vacation spots.  The last vacation we ever took together was here for an anniversary celebration.

I can't say why I needed to be outside in the fresh air this year.  It just felt right.  I've spent the day visiting our favorite spots and getting the traditional chocolate covered strawberries to celebrate.

This year, instead of sitting on the darkness writing my thoughts here through streaming tears, I am writing this sitting on bench under the trees.  The same bench and the same trees that Daniel has kissed me under so many times.  Oh, there has still been some tears for sure, but the memories have been more sweet than bitter.

I love you forever Daniel.  I will always be your bride.