Running on Empty

I am so tired.

I go about my day, try to stay busy, want to be a productive member of society... but I feel so damned drained all the time.

Sleeping doesn't help.  Pampering myself doesn't do any good.  Resting doesn't make a bit of difference.

There is no physical reason for me to be so exhausted.  Yet, there is a weariness that takes over that is so absolute that I honestly do not believe I will be able to take one more breath.

Whenever I was feeling low, Daniel would just give me a wink and spread wide his arms without saying a single word.  I would step into them and be home.  My head fit perfectly against his chest and he would envelop me in his arms. Then he'd laugh and say "you're OK, you just need a recharge."

After over a decade together, he still insisted on touching me as often as possible.  He was always holding my hand, brushing his shoulder against mine, and sitting close to me. Even unconscious in his sleep, his feet would make their way over to mine to stay in contact.  I drew such strength from the love that radiated from his touch. There was an overwhelming a sense of belonging and power that came from our connection.

Without that connection, I feel ungrounded.  The emptiness that is left is a leech that drains away hope, purpose, and passion.  I force myself to go through the motions of living, because it is what is necessary- not because it is what I want.  What I yearn for is to close my eyes and feel his arms around me again.

I am running on empty... and I no longer have Daniel's embrace to plug into to recharge.


I love you Daniel.

The Gift

Daniel, you gave me the amazing gift of sharing your life with me.

Because of you, I will always be able to say I have been loved unconditionally. (*by someone other than those predisposed to love me because we share the same genes)

Because of you, I take the time to stop and laugh when things start to feel overwhelming.

Because of you, I understand the difference between the DC and Marvel universes.

Because of you, I remind myself that mistakes and not being perfect isn't the end of the world.

Because of you, I know what it is like to be held as if I was something precious.

Because of you, I try to remember that I'm not always right about everything.

Because of you, I've been supported, comforted, protected, and allowed to sometimes be weak without the need to have all the answers.

Because of you, I now know that sushi is indeed one of the things that make life worth living.

Because of you, I was able to truly be myself around someone with no barriers or masks or pretense.

Because of you, I've experienced the joy of mattress picnics, choose-your-own-adventure road trips,  google face-offs, dancing barefooted, well coordinated launch day marathons, and steering wheel serenades.

Because of you, I've felt safe enough to give my heart without reservation or holding anything back and just loved someone like crazy.

I am a better person, because of you.  Thank you for being an amazing best friend and husband.


I love you Daniel.