Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Running on Empty

I am so tired.

I go about my day, try to stay busy, want to be a productive member of society... but I feel so damned drained all the time.

Sleeping doesn't help.  Pampering myself doesn't do any good.  Resting doesn't make a bit of difference.

There is no physical reason for me to be so exhausted.  Yet, there is a weariness that takes over that is so absolute that I honestly do not believe I will be able to take one more breath.

Whenever I was feeling low, Daniel would just give me a wink and spread wide his arms without saying a single word.  I would step into them and be home.  My head fit perfectly against his chest and he would envelop me in his arms. Then he'd laugh and say "you're OK, you just need a recharge."

After over a decade together, he still insisted on touching me as often as possible.  He was always holding my hand, brushing his shoulder against mine, and sitting close to me. Even unconscious in his sleep, his feet would make their way over to mine to stay in contact.  I drew such strength from the love that radiated from his touch. There was an overwhelming a sense of belonging and power that came from our connection.

Without that connection, I feel ungrounded.  The emptiness that is left is a leech that drains away hope, purpose, and passion.  I force myself to go through the motions of living, because it is what is necessary- not because it is what I want.  What I yearn for is to close my eyes and feel his arms around me again.

I am running on empty... and I no longer have Daniel's embrace to plug into to recharge.

I love you Daniel.

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