Sunday, April 26, 2015

Messages from Daniel

I started this blog to write about all of the things that surprise me or seem most absurd about the grief process.  I consider myself a strong, logical person so all of these crazy thoughts felt like they were coming from someone else.

But as much as I miss Daniel terribly, there are so many happy memories that he gave me.

I was going through some old text messages from Daniel recently.  He showed me every day how much he loved me and often when we were apart he would text me with declarations of love. Messages from my Sweetie are on the left side and my responses on the right.


Daniel was always a big romantic.  He loved me even when I didn't "get it" right away.


But it wasn't all just romance and poetry.  Sometimes, he used math to prove his love for me.


That's not to mention, the coding language of love.


So, how do I keep going without him?



I love you Daniel.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Zombie Brains

I often joked with Daniel that should a zombie apocalypse occur, he should simply let the monsters eat me.  Because, I'd teased, I would not want to live in a world without internet connection.

Even so, when I woke up recently to find that the cable and internet was no longer available to me, I had only myself to blame.  I'd seen the disconnect notice.  I had plenty to cover the expense.  There'd been more than enough time to call and make the payment.  I simply did not.

You see, most all of our bills are automatically drafted from the bank.  But this one bill had been causing Daniel problems.  For the last several months he would call them and ask why the debit had not come out, and every month they would apologize and say next month.  He'd just spoken with them the week before he passed away and had to pay over the phone.  Apparently, they still hadn't figured out the billing issue.

Now it just felt so overwhelming to deal with.  A silly thing really, but in my mind it became a monster problem.

I find it strange how grief works.

In the days after losing him, I was devastated but still was able to coordinate notifying our friends and loved ones, finding a funeral home, planning a service, writing the memorial notice, and even accommodating out of town family members.

But now, months later, there are times that something as simple as deciding what to have for dinner is a mental hurdle far too large to navigate.

Last week, I wore Christmas socks to work because doing laundry was out of the realm of possibilities.  I guess that even though I may have escaped the fate of being zombie chow, my brain is still being eaten up.


When I was laughing with Daniel just a short time ago, being here now dealing with the grief of losing him seemed as likely as living through a zombie attack.

I love you Daniel.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Missing Love Actually

I'm not a superstitious person.  I haven't read my horoscope since I was in my teens.  When I see a penny, I don't pick it up so that I will have good luck.

So, I'm definitely surprised by my sudden bout of...   unusual thinking.

It all started with Love Actually.

You see, Daniel and I have a Christmas tradition. Every year, we watch Love Actually together.      Every. Single. Year.

Except this past Christmas.

Something kept coming up and then the season was over and we'd missed it for the first time.  19 days after Christmas, my darling Daniel was gone.

So, the idea started floating around my head that there was a connection between missing the movie and losing Daniel.  It was my fault for not making sure we watched it together.

Now, the flood gates have opened.  Suddenly, I've started all these little rituals and my brain is making crazy connections.

Things like.... if I don't say "I love you Daniel" out loud at least twice a day, I will lose my connection to him and won't be able to find him again when I pass on.

Logically, I know these things are irrational.  But I still keep thinking them.

So...  it may be possible that I am going crazy.  But, I think maybe I am just missing my love, actually.

I love you Daniel.


Saturday, April 11, 2015

My husband is not a cat

Ok.  I know for a fact that my dead husband has not come back to me as a cat.  I just want to get that out of the way right up front.  No need to start calling the men in white coats just yet.  

But...     
sometimes, at night...      
when I am alone...

I start to think strange thoughts.  They go like this.  "Hey, I am sad and this cat seems to know when I am the most sad and immediately runs up to comfort me.  Maybe Daniel is here trying to make me feel better."  Of course, my brain knows that Daniel has not borrowed the cat's body to come up and purr me to sleep.  Definitely not.  

But the cat does seem to be somehow possessed to act very differently than her norm.  I should explain a bit more for this to make sense.

Daniel and I got Seffy, our cat, when she was a kitten 10 years ago.  Since then, we have seen her roughly 30 times.  Months would go by where the only way we knew she was still around was because her food bowl needed to be refilled or the liter box changed.  I do not exaggerate when I say that the only real proof of her existence was the fluffy grey puffs of hair that floated its way into the dust pan on cleaning days. 

Yet, since the moment I returned home from the emergency room on the night Daniel left us, she has been very attentive. And, when I am feel most like I am going mad, there she is... rubbing against my arm and rumbling softly.  How does she know?

This has been going on for months now.  Today I realized something.  I was sitting alone thinking of him and she ran right up to me.  "This is nuts," I thought.  Then it hit me.  

I'd sighed his name.  

"Oh Daniel," I whispered.  And... in an empty house these are the only words that have been spoken in hours.  So, this cat is not being enthralled by my husband to comfort me in his absence.  But instead, these periodic utterances during times when I am most lost have broken the long silence and called her to me.

I love you Daniel.