Wednesday, June 21, 2017

That's My Secret, Cap

In the Avengers movie, Bruce Banner has a line where he explains to Captain America, "That's my secret, Cap.  I'm always angry." Like Dr. Banner, I may look like everything is back to normal on the outside but I too have a secret.  Just like a hulk lurking under the surface, grief is a constant companion for  me.

Sadness has become a second skin.  I guess I did not realize how much so until I tried to take it off.  I've made changes in my life to move towards being happy again.  I have a beautiful new apartment in an amazing new city.  I have wonderful new friends and fun new hobbies.  Yet no matter what I try, I find that happiness fits me like a dress I've outgrown.  It's tight and it pinches.

I don't mean to say that I am not ever happy.  I am so fortunate to have many things in my life that bring me joy.  In many ways, this new life is almost everything that I ever dreamed of having.  But there is no denying that it feels wrong.  Yes, I am aware that it shouldn't.  Daniel devoted his life to making me happy and I know that is what he would want for me now.

Yet, I can't stop thinking about how much he would have enjoyed these things and it hurts to do them without him.  No matter how great things are, I know in my heart that it would be better if he were here with me.  His absence casts a shadow over every smile.  I miss him every single day and nothing can fill the hole that his death has left behind.

There is also some guilt involved.  It's really super hard to enjoy life without feeling guilty.  Logically I know that I cannot spend the rest of my life in a tear-filled vigil for him, nor would he want that.  But my heart still holds me as traitor for every moment of peace that I find.

It's so easy to be sad.  It's like a warm, comfortable coat that protects me from letting other people in and from really living life.   That's my secret.  I'm always sad.

Being happy is hard.  I have experienced true, blissful happiness with Daniel and now I don't know how to do it without him.  And honestly, I know that I will be sad for the rest of my days.  But I have to think that maybe I can squeeze in some room for happiness along side the sadness.

I love you Daniel.  And I will never stop.

No comments:

Post a Comment