Monday, January 2, 2017

The Road Forward

My darling boy, another year has started without you and it hits me anew how lonely this road is when you are not beside me.  In just a couple of weeks, it will be 2 years since you left.  24 months.  104 weeks.  730 days. 175,520 hours. In every minute of that time, my heart has called out for you.

There are days when I am terrified that I am moving too far away from you.  I moved to a house you never lived in.  I started a job that you never heard about.  I have seen TV shows you never watched.  I have made friends you never met.  I play games you never got to enjoy.  My life is almost unrecognizable at times.  Even the person I see in the mirror looks so different.

 It seems surreal that life should continue when you are gone. I am still getting to know this new me that lives a life without you.  There are times that it is scary as hell. I am often tempted to stay in place and keep everything exactly the same as if it might keep me close to you but I know now that it is impossible. Your death has changed me in the most profound ways and I can never go back.

Without a doubt, losing you has diminished who I was.  But it has also given me a new perspective.  I now really understand that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and that our world can change in any instant.  Things that seemed important before have become trivial and the small things that I put off until later are now much more vital.   I feel free to just be in the moment and less worried about tomorrow.

Babe, I know you so well.  I know exactly what you would say.  In fact, I can practically hear your voice in my ear every day encouraging me to move forward full force and tilt at windmills, dance in the rain, and take chances.  I am just now getting that my fear of moving too far away from you is simply crazy.  That would be as impossible as walking away from my own heartbeat.  Knowing that you will always be with me on the journey makes taking each new step possible.

I love you Daniel.

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