Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The Thing About Time and Space

My beloved,

It's hard to believe that it's been 18 months since I last saw your amazing smile.  Some days it feels like just yesterday that we were laughing together and other days it feels like 100 years since I was last in your arms.

Tomorrow will be the year and a half mark since you left us.  But I don't think about that day.  I'd prefer to remember you as you were last your true self, making me giggle before climbing into our bed the night before.

People ask me if time has helped to heal the wounds from your loss.  The honest answer is no.  I still feel your absence as deeply and intensely today as I did on January 13, 2015.  If I am still alive 50 years from now, the pain will not have dulled one bit.  But, time has made things better in a surprising way.

Even though my soul still yearns for you each day and with each breath, I have found that I can now fit other things into my life as well.  When you first left me, my world shrunk down to nothing but the pain of your absence and it took up all of the available space.  While that hurt has not dulled at all, time has made it possible for me to stretch my world a bit and allow room for other things as well. The pain is not any less, but it is no longer the only thing that exists for me.

That doesn't mean that I'm moving on or that I am not still your girl.  I am and always will be yours. It just means that I am fighting my way back to "your" Amy.  I loved the me that I saw reflected in your eyes.  The thing about time is that it's given me space to breathe and the perspective to find a way to start down the path back towards that girl you fell in love with.

Babe, I'm working so hard to make you proud until I am with you again.  It's a strange dichotomy where I want nothing more than to join you and be together, yet I know that until it's my time I must live to the fullest for both of us.  So until that day I am going to do my best every day to be your light.

I have a song that I play each morning while I am getting dressed to remind me that I can do this. I just need to make the most of this time until it's our time again.  I won't lie.  It's so damned hard to do this without you, and it's only your belief in me that enables me to make it through.

As the song says, "The only reason my heart beats is cause you showed it how.  I'll find my way.  You showed me how."

I love you Daniel.

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