Mrs. Willard

13 years ago today I became Mrs. Daniel Willard.  In my heart, I already belonged to Daniel, but this made it official.  He was so proud and happy to call me his wife and I was so blissful thinking about spending the rest of our lives together.  I hear some people who say "this would have been our anniversary" but to me, there is no "would have" about it.  Today is our anniversary.  13 years ago, I was breathless at the thought of being Mrs. Willard and today being without him feels like I am smothering.

This is the first anniversary that we have been apart.  I don't get to celebrate today with Daniel, but I am so lucky that he left me with so many amazing memories to keep with me.  When I look forward and think of his absence, that is when the tears come.  But whenever I look back and think of my time with him, it is nothing but laughter.  Daniel made me feel special every day and I did my best to make sure he knew every day how much he was loved.  He was an incredible man who was loyal, kind-hearted, wicked smart, opinionated, funny, stubborn, mischievous, warm, compassionate, and loving.  I was amazingly fortunate to have been chosen by this man to share a life with him. 

Well meaning people tell me that I am young and will find someone else or that Daniel wouldn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life.  What they don't understand is that, in my heart I am still a Mrs.  I am not a single person, looking for a match.  I am someone who was blessed to find the one for me and have already given my heart away.  I am one half of a perfectly matched pair.  I have a husband.  He is just away at the moment, and when I am in his arms again, I will be back home.

I love you Daniel.  Happy Anniversary.

Half a Year

The last time I was truly happy, was falling asleep beside Daniel on January 12, 2015.  Daniel left us at 3:20 am on January 13th.  I thought I would die on that day too.  Each day after, I expected my heart to stop beating.  Yet, each day it continues and so do I.  But I am not living either. 

 Now, I am a ghost haunting this life.  No longer a part of it.  The world has lost all of it's color and I move through the day in scales of grey.  I am just bidding time until I get to see him again.

I know that sounds depressing as hell, even as I type it.  But I don't mean it that way and it's not me feeling sorry for myself despite the tone. I can still laugh with friends.  I can still enjoy time with family.  I still have pride and a sense of accomplishment from my job.  But as great as these things are, they do not come close to touching the hole that Daniel left behind. I just feel disconnected from the people around me.

With the perspective of the last half year, I can finally admit to myself without breaking in to tears that I will have a life without Daniel.  I know that it will be full of people who love me and that there will be good times to come.  But I also know, in my heart, that it will forever be in the shadow of what was and will always be compared with what can never be.  

Six months in when people ask if things are getting easier, it is hard to answer.  The truth is that yes, it is getting easier, but not in the way that they mean.  I don't miss him any less and I am not starting to move past the loss.  It is just easier because I am coming to terms with the fact that this is my new reality.  I won't ever again feel the way I did when Daniel was with me in this lifetime.  Whether it is 40 days from now or 40 years, the next time I will be truly happy will be when I am with him again.

I love you Daniel.

Fireworks

My family's Independence Day celebration in 2001 was set for less than a month after my first date with Daniel.  Even after that short of a time together, he wouldn't stand for the thought of spending an entire day without me.  But family has always been very important to me and besides, I had a new little nephew to cuddle.  So, that is how Daniel managed to get invited to meet my entire family so quickly after we met.

Some people would be nervous about this relationship milestone, especially coming so quickly.  Others might be focused on the best strategy for making a good first impression.  But my Daniel never tried to be anything but himself- and true to his nature, he was mainly interested in making me smile.  That's why he showed up to meet my fairly conservative parents wearing a top hat covered in patriotic flags.

That night as we sat together in the dark holding hands, even the loud and bright explosions in the sky couldn't take our attention away from each other.  And over a decade later, Daniel was still the brightest thing in my universe.  In the 13 1/2 years we were together, I felt fireworks every single time he held me in his arms.

Tonight, the sky will light up again.  People will be with their loved ones and look up at the display in awe.  Life goes on.  But I am missing my light in the darkness.

I love you Daniel.