Tuesday, June 16, 2015

It ain't easy being green

I've read about the stages of grief and thought I knew what to expect.  Imagine my surprise when I never really experienced any of the things that I had prepared for.  Denial?  Nope, I was there when it happened and the reality hits me every single day.  Anger?  Not so much.  I know Daniel would have moved the moon and stars to stay with me if it was in his power.  Bargaining? What would be the point?  Depression... well maybe a bit of this one, though I would call it more of a profound sadness.

But I do find myself experiencing a new phase of my grief journey.  Some days I trade blue for green.  That is to say, as I start to get out more and interact with others, I feel myself battling sudden bouts of jealousy.

Recently, I went to one of our favorite restaurants.  I feel close to Daniel in some of our old haunts.  As I sat there eating alone, my gaze landed on an elderly couple leaving their table after enjoying a meal together.  As he held her chair back from the table for her, I felt such a flood of envy knowing that Daniel and I will never have the chance to grow old together.  I wanted so badly what they had.

Going out with friends offers more of the same.  It's really nice to catch up with their lives and have a chance to talk a bit about Daniel and how much he made us laugh.  But I always feel apart from the group.  I look around at these young couples with their entire lives ahead of them just waiting to be spent together and I am so jealous.

Living with this little green monster is new to me.  My life with Daniel was everything I wanted.  I was so content.  In fact, I almost felt guilty for being so blissfully happy.  I never looked at others and wished for what they had.

Without him, I can't say that anymore.

I love you Daniel.

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