I've read about the stages of grief and thought I knew what to expect. Imagine my surprise when I never really experienced any of the things that I had prepared for. Denial? Nope, I was there when it happened and the reality hits me every single day. Anger? Not so much. I know Daniel would have moved the moon and stars to stay with me if it was in his power. Bargaining? What would be the point? Depression... well maybe a bit of this one, though I would call it more of a profound sadness.
But I do find myself experiencing a new phase of my grief journey. Some days I trade blue for green. That is to say, as I start to get out more and interact with others, I feel myself battling sudden bouts of jealousy.
Recently, I went to one of our favorite restaurants. I feel close to Daniel in some of our old haunts. As I sat there eating alone, my gaze landed on an elderly couple leaving their table after enjoying a meal together. As he held her chair back from the table for her, I felt such a flood of envy knowing that Daniel and I will never have the chance to grow old together. I wanted so badly what they had.
Going out with friends offers more of the same. It's really nice to catch up with their lives and have a chance to talk a bit about Daniel and how much he made us laugh. But I always feel apart from the group. I look around at these young couples with their entire lives ahead of them just waiting to be spent together and I am so jealous.
Living with this little green monster is new to me. My life with Daniel was everything I wanted. I was so content. In fact, I almost felt guilty for being so blissfully happy. I never looked at others and wished for what they had.
Without him, I can't say that anymore.
I love you Daniel.