It ain't easy being green

I've read about the stages of grief and thought I knew what to expect.  Imagine my surprise when I never really experienced any of the things that I had prepared for.  Denial?  Nope, I was there when it happened and the reality hits me every single day.  Anger?  Not so much.  I know Daniel would have moved the moon and stars to stay with me if it was in his power.  Bargaining? What would be the point?  Depression... well maybe a bit of this one, though I would call it more of a profound sadness.

But I do find myself experiencing a new phase of my grief journey.  Some days I trade blue for green.  That is to say, as I start to get out more and interact with others, I feel myself battling sudden bouts of jealousy.

Recently, I went to one of our favorite restaurants.  I feel close to Daniel in some of our old haunts.  As I sat there eating alone, my gaze landed on an elderly couple leaving their table after enjoying a meal together.  As he held her chair back from the table for her, I felt such a flood of envy knowing that Daniel and I will never have the chance to grow old together.  I wanted so badly what they had.

Going out with friends offers more of the same.  It's really nice to catch up with their lives and have a chance to talk a bit about Daniel and how much he made us laugh.  But I always feel apart from the group.  I look around at these young couples with their entire lives ahead of them just waiting to be spent together and I am so jealous.

Living with this little green monster is new to me.  My life with Daniel was everything I wanted.  I was so content.  In fact, I almost felt guilty for being so blissfully happy.  I never looked at others and wished for what they had.

Without him, I can't say that anymore.


I love you Daniel.

Waiting

14 years ago today I was sitting across from Daniel on our first date.  Daniel loved to celebrate all kinds of anniversaries and could tell you the dates for the first time we talked, held hands, kissed, bought groceries together.... and June 6th never passed without him doing something sweet for me.

He loved to say 6-6-01 at 8:18 his life changed forever.  It technically should have been 8:00 but I was running late.  It became a trend in our relationship.  Not necessarily me running behind schedule, although to be honest it happened quite a bit.  No, I mean Daniel waiting for me.  He was always patiently waiting for me to catch up to where he knew we were meant to be.

5 weeks after that date he told me he loved me and I said "thank you".  Instead of being upset that I didn't gush out a love you in return, he calmly explained that we were meant to be together and I could take all the time I needed to discover that.

Six months to the day on 12-6-01 he asked me to marry him.  He told me that he knew at the end of our first date that he would spend the rest of his life with me but he just needed to give me time to catch up.

That is why I know that he is waiting for me now.  Time and again he has proven how stubborn he can be in his belief that we'll be together for always.  I've just fallen behind again for the moment.


I love you Daniel.